"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:8

Months after I had convinced myself I was healed, someone close to me began pointing out the holes of my garment. I disagreed with her because in my own view, I had stopped crying, no longer felt active pain, and rarely felt residue trauma. In fact, I was super busy trying to create new things and put myself out more.

So of course I was healed, or at least almost healed. I even cancelled all therapy sessions and decided the word of God in revelation to me was good enough (the Word of God is all we need in essence, yet He also made people around us available to support us through the healing which is necessary for our growth). So you can imagine the shock on my face when my friend said I was not healing but barely closing my eyes and nose to a sore, stinking wound.

Upon reflection, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I saw that indeed, I was not as healed as I thought. I was leaking emotions. I had bottled up so much. And though I did not burst through the caps, I weakened the vessel- the bottle, and the poor thing began to leak. How did I get here? How does one look okay but deep down not be okay?

It is possible to leak emotions when you hide the true nature and extent of your feelings. You hide/lie to yourself and to others. But our bodies will never betray us. The test to know the difference between being really healed and masking the appearance of someone who is healed is first in your demeanour. Some of the behaviour exhibited is exaggerated, closed off, apprehensive, curt, dismissive, aggressive, distracted, too quiet, overly isolated, uninterested, unmotivated, self sabotaging, self degradation etc.

Your work becomes life. You occupy every hour of the day with things to do, leaving no room to breathe, or to think. After all, not thinking about it is exactly what you need to move on from it. For you, there are no middle grounds. Work, school or ministry is what will make you feel valued, so you die on it.

Your words will not promise or offer kindness. Everyone needs to hear the truth however painful and brash it is. Weren't you also dealt the truth in uncomfortable ways? So, everyone should suck it up and hear your ever needed criticism paraded as comforting truth.

Congratulations, you have now gotten to a functional place where you survive but have stopped healing; neither your soul nor body can thrive. You've plateaued on this and unless you become honest about where your head and heart is, this new you (look) is not sustainable. Leaking emotions will become empty emotions when the vessel has become drained, shrivelled up and discarded.

As satiric as I sound, I hope you see the truth. You can show up yet not be authentic. Think about where you are. Are you healed or are you hurting? Is the wound deepening while you gloat about being a cover up expert? Are you slowly unravelling but convincing yourself and others you are becoming? Are you masking your pain by spreading it to others?

Ask yourself the above and when you have answered honestly, ask yourself these:

1. What am I hiding ?
2. What am I afraid of?
3. What does healing look like?
4. What does a desired future look like?
5. What do I want to feel or say?
6. What do I need ?

If these are questions you cannot answer alone, please contact a therapist and talk. Get around trusted family, friends or spiritual leaders whom you can share with and they will listen, advice and support you. Because just as you can see now what was wrong, they can see it too. Worse of all, they feel it too. Do yourself a favour and patch up. Better still, throw out this bottle and start over. Promise yourself by the strength and peace of God that you will heal, and you will heal well.

There is no duration or timeline for healing, as long as everyday you take one step to do it well. On this journey, how well is better than how far. Reveal the intentions within. Deal with them. Heal from it. So help us God. Amen.

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See you next week by His grace!